Bubbly Times at the Hilton Niagara Falls Fallsview

Water, water, everywhere. When couples come to Niagara Falls, of course, they’re here for the spectacle of three of the world’s most recognizable waterfalls, but also for some slippery fun.

We’re talking waterslides, indoor pools, a ‘Journey Behind the Falls’ — and the jets. And best yet, the kinds that you can have all to yourselves in absolute intimacy.

Tap. Beep. Oh crap, the sound of new guests arriving. Here they come.

“Babe, I’m so ready to just collapse into these pillows… Oooh, look! There’s a whole other seating area after the bed.”

“And how about this,” as hands whip the curtains back, “My god, this view!”

Always the same with these couples. What do you think you’re getting into when you book at a hotel called the Hilton Niagara Falls/Fallsview. But hey, it’s been eight years here in the tallest building in Niagara Falls, and I must admit, it’s a heck of a lot better than the wall of a parking lot, eh?

With my little window looking onto the rest of the King Studio, I can spy Goat Island and the American Falls a few yards away. I can hear the low rumble of millions of gallons of water rushing over the edge with the fine mist hosting a soft rainbow stretching across the border.

“I gotta see this bathroom”. The inlaid vanity lights snap on like a flash bulb. “Wow! The Jacuzzi tub!”

Oh, stop that! Your fingers are tickling my rim. Easy now planting yourself on my ledge. I don’t go throwing my naked backside around on your body, now do I? (Of course I can’t, but that’s beside the point.)

I see it. The eye contact between them. That seducing twinkle. Someone is ready for a whirlpool session.

“Time for a bath, don’t you think?” I knew it! My time to shine.

Alright, here comes the water. One sensual jacuzzi session coming right up.

The Hotel Directory gets snatched off the desk. “And for dinner afterwards? Shall we try out the Churrascaria downstairs or are you feeling Italian?”

“You know, Joe from work told me that The Watermark on the 33rd floor is a must when in town. I heard that their five-course tasting menu tastes all the better when you have the Falls lit up at dinnertime.”

“But maybe, let’s leave it for after the Casino. Remember at check-in the guy behind the counter said that there’s an enclosed walkway over to Fallsview Casino. Maybe I’ll get lucky at Blackjack.”

“You know who else is getting lucky?” Oh, here comes this look again. I’d blow bubbles every time I heard this kind of witless wordplay if it didn’t just turn them on even more.

Then off come the clothes. Off come the shoes. Fingers get dragged through the water, hot and cold knobs get adjusted.

Often it takes at least a day of climbing between the attractions of Clifton Hill or a marathon of outlet shopping before guests get to the jacuzzi froth. But these two weren’t wasting any time.

“Wait a sec.” The mini bar door swings open to reveal a gold-foil topped bottle of Champagne. “Bubbles go best with bubbles, right?” Golly, me! More clever wordplay. If only I had teeth to grit.

Pop! On goes the TV and a bit of button jamming leads to a smooth R&B beat. Finally something I can enjoy, too.

“Hun, I think it’s ready.” Eye contact again, but darting off to the mirrors anchoring both sides of the tub. A sly smile and my jets power on.

Hands balancing on hands to get in. Lips to lips. Then skin to skin… Ouch! Watch my corners, will ya?

“You know I really could use a massage after that drive through Niagara-on-the-Lake.” A quick sip of wine, a sharp crack of the knuckles and the hands start working their magic on the shoulders, the neck, the chest and…oh my. If only I had hands to cover my own eyes.

Sigh. This is usually the part when the numbskull of the pair suggests, “putting those bedsprings to work,” leaving me to soak in, well, I can’t even bring myself to say it. At least I can usually tune it all out with the hypnotics of the Falls.